A rant on taunters

14 11 2009

I have to make a quick rant before I go into the real reason for this post. Bear with me. (If you’re wondering, it is ‘bear’ and not ‘bare.’) Last night, the Lakers were shellacked by the Thugge…oops, Nuggets, 105-79. I didn’t watch the game but had it securely taped, ready for viewing today. Of course, things didn’t turn out as planned, and as a result, I received several threatening to non-threatening e-mails/texts from people taunting me on the defending NBA World Champions’ loss.


Making out with Miranda Kerr just after another Lakers championship is what life is all about.

Here’s what I love: it’s mid-November. Even though it’s too early to begin thinking about the playoffs, it’s never too early for fans to brag about inconsequential wins. Great, their team won a random blowout. I know my buddies were busting my chops. I get that. But I just can’t match the same emotion of my taunting friends for a mid-November NBA game.

I’ve learned through extensive fan playoff experience (because, you know, the Lakers have missed the playoffs twice since I’ve been alive [’93-’94, ’04-’05]) that in the NBA world, you have to build your emotional levels with the season. Therefore, I can practically be mistaken for Patrick Bateman’s long-lost brother during the season’s first two months. That’s how devoid of emotion I am. It’s because the first two months are merely a feeling-out period. They’re more or less the weed-out months. The real title contenders are only concerned with not wasting too much emotion during the first months and with trying to keep their best players as healthy as possible.

Once January rolls around, I begin caring about how the Lakers build momentum heading into the All-Star break. Yet most of my concern is still wrapped up in the team’s state of health. By March, I begin warming up. I start to evaluate the Lakers’ chemistry, differences I detect from how they played in January/February, who’s heating up, whose body looks like it’s breaking down, how the team reacts to one another after the first four months of the regular season, and so on. By April, I start breathing fire. I’m wrapped up in every game, but not yet on a quarter-by-quarter basis. I try to establish patience.

When mid-May comes around, I’m gearing up. I’m doing bench presses while daydreaming of Kobe smashing one down on Birdman Anderson. I’m doing bicep curls like I’m preparing to go toe-to-toe with Carlos Boozer. I’m in the mindset of focusing on every quarter, trying to establish if the Lakers are hitting their stride or moving past their peak once the Finals enter into the picture.

And once the Lakers make the Finals (it’s happened seven times since I started paying attention to the NBA, six times since I was a serious fan), I’m a fucking nervous wreck. I yell at the TV during timeouts. I pace around the room. Every minute of the game is scrutinized. I contemplate life and why I became a sports fan.

When they win (it’s happened four times during my NBA fan career), I feel invincible. I own everything and everyone, and nobody can stop me. I could walk up to Miranda Kerr on the street and make out with her. (And she would like it.) I could finally bicep curl the plates. (Weight room lingo because I’m such a meathead.) I could tell someone to piss off and he/she would thank me for acknowledging their existence. That’s how jubilant I feel after the release of my pent-up emotions that were built over the course of a season.

Needless to say, I’m not wasting my time with a mid-November game. Screw you Denver sports fans.


P.S. This wasn’t even my intended post for the day, so I’ll try to make another one before the day is out.



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